Best English Jokes: A CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psychopath.
Best English Jokes
GLENN WOOL: SMOKING
I smoke. It's bad for you, I know. Warnings on the package tell you so. That's why I don't mind them, because they are bad. My only problem with the warnings though: very scientific. I think they should also have to be philosophical. The front of the package should go, 'Smoking causes fatal diseases.' And the back I think should have to say, 'But only 5% of the world's population believes death is the end.'
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Best English Jokes
MYQ KAPLAN: NEW WORDS FOR BOOBIES
I don't like the word 'boobies' -- disrespectful to women. Boobies? They should be called 'yaybies.' How about that, everybody? Why is 'boo' in it when they're awesome? They should be yaybies or hooraybies or standing ovabies. If they're not perfect, they're still OKabies. They are not great persabies, but I'll touch them maybes. Feel free to use any of those. I would avoid hooraybies -- that sounds like a disease. Some kind of herpes/rabies combo that you get when a dog bites your junk.
Best English Jokes
THE DEACON'S LAST WORDS
A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
Best English Jokes
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: WORK TO AVOID
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
Best English Jokes
MARGARET SMITH: GUYS WHO WORK OUT TOO MUCH
Their arms are so huge, they can't get their hands in their pockets. I don't know how they take a leak. They must have to use prongs or something.
Best English Jokes: DAVE MORDAL: WORKAHOLISM
Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
Best English Jokes
MATT GRAHAM: RECOVERING WORKAHOLIC
I'm not lazy. In fact, I'm a workaholic, which is why I can never work. I'm recovering. Even light work, I can't touch it. Maybe one day, I'll help an old lady with a bag of groceries -- boom! -- I'm in the Peace Corps.
Best English Jokes
MARTA RAVIN: WORK-RELATED MEDICAL CONDITION
I have unfortunately developed a medical condition. I don't know if any of you people have ever heard of it, it's called 'office ass.' You get it from sitting on your ass and eating M&Ms all day. It's at a pretty advanced stage right now. So, I looked in our benefits brochure to see if they cover, and they don't, which I just find so rude because I definitely got it at work.
Best English Jokes
DEMETRI MARTIN: WORST TIME FOR A HEART ATTACK
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers. Game over means game over.
Best English Jokes
ELIZ WRIGHT: AFTER ALL THAT
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped -- suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.
Best English Jokes
ANDREW NORELLI: WRONG TIME TO WORRY
People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.
Best English Jokes
LISA LANDRY: GYM CLASS IS WRONG
You shouldn't put a fat kid up on a balance beam -- that's wrong. They never took the blind kids to the shooting range.
Best English Jokes
JEREMY HOTZ: DENTAL X-RAYS
Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won't give them to you. He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? 'No, those are mine.' Alright, you keep 'em, you freak. Bring 'em home, look at 'em late and touch yourself, see if I care.
Best English Jokes
DANA GOULD: M.A.N.D.Y.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
Best English Jokes
RICHARD LEWIS: THIS YEAR'S GOAL
God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.
Best English Jokes
JULIUS SHARPE: TWO YEAR DEPRESSION
I was really depressed for about two years. I finally went to therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I'm poor.
Best English Jokes
EUGENE MIRMAN: GOD IS A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY WITH ASPERGER'S
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
Best English Jokes
GREG GIRALDO: 72-YEAR-OLD GIVES BIRTH
I don't know what makes a kid gay, but sucking on a 72-year-old titty would have to be a factor.
Best English Jokes
YEAST + BILLY RAY CYRUS = ?
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!
Best English Jokes
BIG GIRL WITH YEAST INFECTION
Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A: A whopper with cheese.
Best English Jokes
GREEN AND YELLOW
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Best English Jokes
MIKE BIRBIGLIA: YO' THERAPIST SO CHEAP...
Yo' therapist so cheap, she already spent yo' co-pay.
Best English Jokes
GREG FITZSIMMONS: MEDICAL RESEARCH
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look -- I can.'
Best English Jokes
CAROLINE RHEA: CRUSH ON THE DENTIST
He's like, 'Caroline, you've got a cavity,' and I'm like, 'I know -- and I'd like you to fill it.'
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